I am so wound up you would not beleive.
Just at life in general.
People who make me feel like shit 24/7
yes I get I get it, Im a fat ugly messed up peice of shit!
you dont need to constantly point it out!!
I have nobody left to talk to, literally nobody.
my friends just tell me what I want to hear to shut me up
my family do the same
and Im just so sick of feeling like this
I thought when you went through shit in life your meant to come out better and happier, and get some good things going.
But its not, its shit storm after shitstorm
and I can never bee happy for more than a couple of months
and people fucking wonder why I dont beleive in god.
Its a test?
well fuck you I dont want to take your test
also, some people are low, sly, slimey, ugly, cunts, and I swear to god I am going to go aabsolutely skatty tomorrow, or sooner if possible. So beware, Im on a fucking war path, dont piss me off
Wednesday, 28 April 2010
Friday, 2 April 2010
Feelings, dont bother ro read if you dont want me rambling in your ear
Yes this is a blog about my feelings, and for once Im going to actually talk about my feelings, rather than just brush them aside, maybe its hanging my dirty laundry for all to see, but my close has no laundry that I should be ashamed of.
Im doing this at 10 past 2 in the morning because I cant sleep anymore, I think the earliest ive been asleep lately is 2 o clock, but then again my sleeping patterns have never been great. But now its getting beyond, when im up till almost 5 most nights.
My problem is that I think too much, I analise every little detail, because Im to afraid of things changing, up until now Ive had my cosey little bubble, of my few close friends, and a good family. Then Chries got dded to my bubble, and he was perfect, and wonderful, and I really did fall madly in love with him from the start, because he was and still is everything I have ever dreamed of, and lately, I depend on him more than anything else.
I am deadly afraid of one of being one of those girls whos life revolves around her boyfrined, because it isnt healthy for a relationship to be so solely dependant on someone, to spend so much time with one another, when that happens you run out of things to talk about, and then maybe after months or years, you start to think that thats not the life you wanted, after all absence makes the heart grow fonder.
But this is what upsets me so much, that I used to be able to go out and have a good time with my frineds, and giggle, and forget about chris a little, I could focus solely on having a good time, and then when I got home, the first thing I would want to do is curl up on the sofa and have a nice long talk with him. But lately, I feel like I dont have anyone there anymore, I have one frined I know who Is always up for a laugh, Amy, your a life saver when it comes to these things, even If i dont always appreciate you, but it just feels like most of my frineds have drifted away, either because I have an early curfew, or because they just hang around with different people, or just because they dont come out as often (which I cant blame them for lately, due to weather and the general lack of things to do.) But half of my frineds I never get to see because they dont come out till at least 5 or 6, and I have to be in early, the only time I get to talk to anybody is online, and Im just generally crap at that, Im distracted easily, and Im usually busy all the time.
But there are frineds drifting away that I thought I woud never say goodbye to, frineds who I had thought would be a massive part of my life, and we just dont seem to meld like we used to, and so lately chris the wonderful perfect man that he is, has been there everytime I want o do anything, go shoping, go to the cinema, or just stay in, have a giggle, and be vicously tickle raped -.- . So now im wondering, if its normal for my boyfrined to be my bestfriend, because now hes the only person I see, even though I do make an effort to come out, I still dont see them, so I feel like Im not anybodys frined anymore, and I feel like nobody cares except him, you could say I was well on my to being one of those nightmare girls, whos lives revolve around their boyfrineds, but ho can blame me when hes the only person who I dont feel is leaving me?
I know that after all this now, youll all think im being attentionseeking, that im moaning about nothing, that I always talk about myself, that I should just sod off with chris and not annoy you with my problems anymore, but when I have no one to talk to, ill talk to the world and his mother, because im a far more emotional person than you all think.
This blog isnt meant to be accusing anybody of leaving me in any way, I just have to get all this off my chest, before my sleeping patterns get any worse, and i become evern more hormonal and snappy, and I start arguing with chris so much he snaps. I may sound like a drama queen, but it will lead to that, I get badly affected by thing like this.
anway, i think thats about all the dirty laundry im going to hang out for you to see today, hopefully you wont completely hate this little slice of me talking about me.
see you round sometime
Im doing this at 10 past 2 in the morning because I cant sleep anymore, I think the earliest ive been asleep lately is 2 o clock, but then again my sleeping patterns have never been great. But now its getting beyond, when im up till almost 5 most nights.
My problem is that I think too much, I analise every little detail, because Im to afraid of things changing, up until now Ive had my cosey little bubble, of my few close friends, and a good family. Then Chries got dded to my bubble, and he was perfect, and wonderful, and I really did fall madly in love with him from the start, because he was and still is everything I have ever dreamed of, and lately, I depend on him more than anything else.
I am deadly afraid of one of being one of those girls whos life revolves around her boyfrined, because it isnt healthy for a relationship to be so solely dependant on someone, to spend so much time with one another, when that happens you run out of things to talk about, and then maybe after months or years, you start to think that thats not the life you wanted, after all absence makes the heart grow fonder.
But this is what upsets me so much, that I used to be able to go out and have a good time with my frineds, and giggle, and forget about chris a little, I could focus solely on having a good time, and then when I got home, the first thing I would want to do is curl up on the sofa and have a nice long talk with him. But lately, I feel like I dont have anyone there anymore, I have one frined I know who Is always up for a laugh, Amy, your a life saver when it comes to these things, even If i dont always appreciate you, but it just feels like most of my frineds have drifted away, either because I have an early curfew, or because they just hang around with different people, or just because they dont come out as often (which I cant blame them for lately, due to weather and the general lack of things to do.) But half of my frineds I never get to see because they dont come out till at least 5 or 6, and I have to be in early, the only time I get to talk to anybody is online, and Im just generally crap at that, Im distracted easily, and Im usually busy all the time.
But there are frineds drifting away that I thought I woud never say goodbye to, frineds who I had thought would be a massive part of my life, and we just dont seem to meld like we used to, and so lately chris the wonderful perfect man that he is, has been there everytime I want o do anything, go shoping, go to the cinema, or just stay in, have a giggle, and be vicously tickle raped -.- . So now im wondering, if its normal for my boyfrined to be my bestfriend, because now hes the only person I see, even though I do make an effort to come out, I still dont see them, so I feel like Im not anybodys frined anymore, and I feel like nobody cares except him, you could say I was well on my to being one of those nightmare girls, whos lives revolve around their boyfrineds, but ho can blame me when hes the only person who I dont feel is leaving me?
I know that after all this now, youll all think im being attentionseeking, that im moaning about nothing, that I always talk about myself, that I should just sod off with chris and not annoy you with my problems anymore, but when I have no one to talk to, ill talk to the world and his mother, because im a far more emotional person than you all think.
This blog isnt meant to be accusing anybody of leaving me in any way, I just have to get all this off my chest, before my sleeping patterns get any worse, and i become evern more hormonal and snappy, and I start arguing with chris so much he snaps. I may sound like a drama queen, but it will lead to that, I get badly affected by thing like this.
anway, i think thats about all the dirty laundry im going to hang out for you to see today, hopefully you wont completely hate this little slice of me talking about me.
see you round sometime
Thursday, 1 April 2010
Great expectations
The world has many great works of literary genius. (evidently me and my bad spelling is not one of them)
But today I talk about three that inspire me the most (apart from my love for Billy shakespeare, that your all probably bored of)
Great expectations.
Pygmalion.
To kill a mocking bird.
These are three of the worlds most inspiring and most awe inspiing works of literacy.
Now Im sure you all know I have a passion for literature, I go through books like underwear, and I hope to be a weriter one day.
But thats because I think writers aresome of the most important people in the world, after all, where would we be today without writting?
Without books to learn from, letters to write, signs to read, we wouldnt have the (occasionally) civilised society we live in today.
I always say that a mind has no use without a mouth. You cant have true feelings, principles, morals, opinions, if their always locked inside your head, if you did youd be quite a plain boring person. People say that Im to opinionated, that I should just shut my trap. But I domt, because its my opinion, and its truthfully what I think. The way we think is who we are, a mind and a mouth together have twice the power of a fist.
But this isnt what todays blog is about I've been badly side tracked by my little tangent on our opinions and so on. No the point of todays blog is in reference to those three works of genius.
Great expectations,
to me it has a powerful message. It shows me that if people expect Highly of you, you can acheive highly, after all the strongest person in the world will fail at some things, and without people to fall back on, it would be a much harder fall. My point is that the people you choose to be around you, can be a massive part of shaping your character, If the people around you are independant, so will you be, we all say we shape our own lives, we make our own decisions, but the type of person we are, decides what we choose, and the people who make us that person are the people around us, just like pip and mrs havisham, and estella.
Pygmalion,
Pygmalion has more meaning for me still. When your treated like a flower girl, you will act like a flower girl, like being a flower girl is all your capable of, and if your treated like a dutchess, you will act like a dutchess, and you wil be capable of being a dutches. Now this part of my blog is about how peoples low expectations can lower pur opinions of ourselves. Such as the media, if they have a low opinion of someone for being size 14, we beleive its not okay to be size 14. If they portray overly photoshopped images of alien like women, whos waists are smaller than their heads, we beleive that what it expected of us. I fwe treated the queen like scum (well we ould be beheaded) but she would feel like scum. people may shape the way we live, but not always in the way we owiuld like, but again it becomes a part of who you become, it builds strength, it builds resistance, and it teaches us lessons in life.
To kill a mocking bird.
Tom robinson a respectable black man living in a southern county back when racism was still common is accused of raping a white girl, after the white woman has after all been the one to tempt him. Tom robinson was found guilty, and sent to prison. The reason he was sent, even afetr an almost infalible defence case against him, was that people expected him to be prosocuted, because he was black, instead of the girls father, who was actually the man who beat her. People expected him to be prosecuted, because it would be wrong to prosecute awhite man when you could use a black man as a scape goat. and this part os about how deadly peoples expectations can be, if their expectations are set to high, they set us up for a harder fall, if peoples expectations are to low, it brings us down to that level.
I wrote this because I was worried of my expectations in life, what people thought of me, how they could make my life turn out, but after writting this I realise that we can only deal the best with what we have, and if we must, out shine all expectations, or fall below them, to keep ourselves happy, the people around you shape you, but you do not conform to them.
But as alwaysI must leave you some food for thought: apart from your parents, can you think of somebody who has helped you becmoe a better person?
But today I talk about three that inspire me the most (apart from my love for Billy shakespeare, that your all probably bored of)
Great expectations.
Pygmalion.
To kill a mocking bird.
These are three of the worlds most inspiring and most awe inspiing works of literacy.
Now Im sure you all know I have a passion for literature, I go through books like underwear, and I hope to be a weriter one day.
But thats because I think writers aresome of the most important people in the world, after all, where would we be today without writting?
Without books to learn from, letters to write, signs to read, we wouldnt have the (occasionally) civilised society we live in today.
I always say that a mind has no use without a mouth. You cant have true feelings, principles, morals, opinions, if their always locked inside your head, if you did youd be quite a plain boring person. People say that Im to opinionated, that I should just shut my trap. But I domt, because its my opinion, and its truthfully what I think. The way we think is who we are, a mind and a mouth together have twice the power of a fist.
But this isnt what todays blog is about I've been badly side tracked by my little tangent on our opinions and so on. No the point of todays blog is in reference to those three works of genius.
Great expectations,
to me it has a powerful message. It shows me that if people expect Highly of you, you can acheive highly, after all the strongest person in the world will fail at some things, and without people to fall back on, it would be a much harder fall. My point is that the people you choose to be around you, can be a massive part of shaping your character, If the people around you are independant, so will you be, we all say we shape our own lives, we make our own decisions, but the type of person we are, decides what we choose, and the people who make us that person are the people around us, just like pip and mrs havisham, and estella.
Pygmalion,
Pygmalion has more meaning for me still. When your treated like a flower girl, you will act like a flower girl, like being a flower girl is all your capable of, and if your treated like a dutchess, you will act like a dutchess, and you wil be capable of being a dutches. Now this part of my blog is about how peoples low expectations can lower pur opinions of ourselves. Such as the media, if they have a low opinion of someone for being size 14, we beleive its not okay to be size 14. If they portray overly photoshopped images of alien like women, whos waists are smaller than their heads, we beleive that what it expected of us. I fwe treated the queen like scum (well we ould be beheaded) but she would feel like scum. people may shape the way we live, but not always in the way we owiuld like, but again it becomes a part of who you become, it builds strength, it builds resistance, and it teaches us lessons in life.
To kill a mocking bird.
Tom robinson a respectable black man living in a southern county back when racism was still common is accused of raping a white girl, after the white woman has after all been the one to tempt him. Tom robinson was found guilty, and sent to prison. The reason he was sent, even afetr an almost infalible defence case against him, was that people expected him to be prosocuted, because he was black, instead of the girls father, who was actually the man who beat her. People expected him to be prosecuted, because it would be wrong to prosecute awhite man when you could use a black man as a scape goat. and this part os about how deadly peoples expectations can be, if their expectations are set to high, they set us up for a harder fall, if peoples expectations are to low, it brings us down to that level.
I wrote this because I was worried of my expectations in life, what people thought of me, how they could make my life turn out, but after writting this I realise that we can only deal the best with what we have, and if we must, out shine all expectations, or fall below them, to keep ourselves happy, the people around you shape you, but you do not conform to them.
But as alwaysI must leave you some food for thought: apart from your parents, can you think of somebody who has helped you becmoe a better person?
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